Thursday, April 7, 2011

a year and a month later

So, one post a year is good, right? Shows how non-commital I am. Is non-commital a guise for laziness? or selfishness? ...

well, webster says it's "giving no clear indication of attitude or feeling." Hm. OK, so, maybe it isn't necessarily an indication of how non-commital I am, but the words in that definition hit home right now. Painfully. I always thought of myself as a passionate person. Free as a bird. Passionate about life. Why why why do I feel so apathetic right now? I have theories within my chaotic self-talk.

I realize that this is the first time in my life that I am actually truly (suddenly) committed. I am in a healthy relationship (WTF) I have a steady job that I like (WTF) and I have been living in the same place for two years now (WTF). All of the energy that fed my ego in previous years has been the result of re-inventing and re-birthing myself from the consistent cyclical nature of my recklessness. I'd peak fast, hit rock bottom.. find a new solution and run with it and repeat. Maybe now I'm committed. Growing up? Maturing? HAPPY? ew. And what the fuck happened to my creativity in the process? It's faltering. Flipping me the bird as I baby talk my lover and tell my clients that "meditation has really helped me."
What is this syndrome? or is it really like this for a lot of people? It's not depression. It's that this happiness is unsettling. No. These commitments are unsettling. I want to be young and free but I'm .. committed. I want my job and I want my relationship and I want my home. So what am I talking about here? Am I crazy?

Ask me how I am, and I'll say "so good. yea, job's good. love's good. living situation is great" But inside there's hints of "boring. boring. boring" I've been addicted to rebellion and solitary delights that spew out songs and poems and crimes of passion. Now I'm sober and having major withdrawals. CAN I GET A WITNESS?!