Thursday, April 7, 2011

a year and a month later

So, one post a year is good, right? Shows how non-commital I am. Is non-commital a guise for laziness? or selfishness? ...

well, webster says it's "giving no clear indication of attitude or feeling." Hm. OK, so, maybe it isn't necessarily an indication of how non-commital I am, but the words in that definition hit home right now. Painfully. I always thought of myself as a passionate person. Free as a bird. Passionate about life. Why why why do I feel so apathetic right now? I have theories within my chaotic self-talk.

I realize that this is the first time in my life that I am actually truly (suddenly) committed. I am in a healthy relationship (WTF) I have a steady job that I like (WTF) and I have been living in the same place for two years now (WTF). All of the energy that fed my ego in previous years has been the result of re-inventing and re-birthing myself from the consistent cyclical nature of my recklessness. I'd peak fast, hit rock bottom.. find a new solution and run with it and repeat. Maybe now I'm committed. Growing up? Maturing? HAPPY? ew. And what the fuck happened to my creativity in the process? It's faltering. Flipping me the bird as I baby talk my lover and tell my clients that "meditation has really helped me."
What is this syndrome? or is it really like this for a lot of people? It's not depression. It's that this happiness is unsettling. No. These commitments are unsettling. I want to be young and free but I'm .. committed. I want my job and I want my relationship and I want my home. So what am I talking about here? Am I crazy?

Ask me how I am, and I'll say "so good. yea, job's good. love's good. living situation is great" But inside there's hints of "boring. boring. boring" I've been addicted to rebellion and solitary delights that spew out songs and poems and crimes of passion. Now I'm sober and having major withdrawals. CAN I GET A WITNESS?!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

good mourning sunshine

dear comrades,

i'm delighted to announce that i will be starting a blog. i finally bought myself a computer and want to share myself with you on a semi-regular basis, starting with this post. sometimes i'll forget that i am sharing with you, and i will blog to myself.
it's funny.. i've kept a journal for years, and have never had to be vulnerable to the scrutiny of others. reading just these few lines is oddly unfamiliar. i don't read the way i sound. yesterday, my friend shania and i found a transcribed interview of Milan Kundera. GLORY HOLE! well, one of his answers were peculiar. he was asked something about why he never talked about women authors in his novels. Kundera is, however brilliant, rather misogynistic.. don't you think? anyway..

"LO: It occurs to me that among the writers you are citing as being of greatest importance to the history of the novel, and among those that you cite elsewhere in connection with the development of the novel and its relation to any given cultural history, there are no women. Correct me if I am wrong, but there is never any mention of women writers either in your essays or interviews. Can you explain this?

MK: It is the sex of the novels and not that of their authors that must interest us. All great novels, all true novels are bisexual. This is to say that they express both a feminine and a masculine vision of the world. The sex of the authors as physical people is their private affair."

ok. first reaction: kind of a cop out. i don't know if i would have rather heard him actually say admittedly "well, i just don't fancy female authors that much" fine. obv. BUT kundera said that the novels have a sex. ALL GREAT NOVELS ARE BISEXUAL. how cool is that?? funnily, i don't think all of kundera's novels are bisexual. i think his answers to the interview were.. very kundera. eloquent, so smart i don't know what the fuck he's talking about sometimes, and egotistic but sexy.

"Metaphors are dangerous. Love begins with a metaphor. Which is to say, love begins at the point when a woman enters her first word into our poetic memory."- M.Kundera